Words Are Not Enough

One of the most significant things that has come out of this experience thus far for me has to do with the way I relate to other people.  I don't think most people in my life realize that before this happened, particularly in the six months or so leading up to my diagnosis, I was becoming increasingly depressed and unhappy.  In fact, I had never felt more cut off from others, or more cut off from myself, as I did during that time.  And it was getting worse every day.  It's as if the disease growing in my body was directly related to this disease in my heart.  Actually, I believe that's true.  But that is neither here nor there.  The point is, when I learned that I had cancer something changed immediately.  I realized that all the things I'd been worried about were irrelevant.  So in this way my diagnosis came as a huge relief to me.  My problems from before were resolved (more like dissolved) and all the problems of my future were (though they were immense and as yet far beyond my understanding) clear and right in front of me.  At least I finally knew what was wrong and how to go about dealing with it.

Then something incredible happened.  People started reaching out to me who I had forgotten existed, who I hadn't heard from in years, who I had completely disconnected from or lost touch with or otherwise had faded from my life.  And my close friends reached out too, and my family near and far, and other people who I had been longing to be close to contacted or visited or just let me know they were there for me.  And it became so clear to me, this is what's important in life.  Relationships are what matters.  More specifically, giving love to other people is what matters.  Nothing else carries the same weight or the same meaning.  Nothing else communicates more clearly what we all want to know.  That we are loved, and that we are taken care of, and that somebody cares about us and that it is all connected and it all matters.

So, this is a thank you note, the first of many.  To those people who have reached out to support me.  There are so many of you.  Friends, and friends of friends, and people I haven't talked to in years, and co-workers, and family, and friends of family.  And my own brothers, who are the most amazing people I know.  And my mom and my dad who are taking the best care of me that anyone could.  And every single person who has said or done or expressed anything to me about this.  You are what matters, and you are what will get me through this alive and healthy and striving.

I've received so many cards, and notes, and messages, and phone calls, and gifts of food and movies and games and anything you can think of to distract me from this miserable thing I'm going through.  But the thing I appreciate is just the love behind these actions, just the thought of supporting me.  It makes me cry every day when someone reaches out with another message of love and support.  I can't help it, it's overwhelming.  As overwhelming as this experience is, the love I'm receiving from all of you is more powerful than that.  And THAT is what matters, that is the healing energy I need.  And when I'm laying in bed at 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep and I feel like I'm going to throw up, someone else is reaching out to me to let me know I'm loved and it pulls me through.

The point is, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  To everyone who I know, because I love all of you, and I feel the love and support from all of you.  No matter how it's expressed, no matter how it might be received, it is saving my life.

And what's even more exciting to me than all of this, is the idea that someday I may be able to repay this kindness with kindness of my own.  When I contemplate that I know my life has changed forever.  And dire as this sounds, even if it were to end tomorrow my life still would have been changed forever by all of you.  And that blows my mind, and touches my heart in a way that I simply cannot express to you in words.  Life is about giving, and thanks to you all I know that to be true now.  And thanks to you all I now know how to do it.

Love,
Chris