Dear Friends,
A very long journey is coming to an end. Two and a half years ago I discovered abruptly that I had stage 4 non-Hodgkins acute lymphoblastic t-cell lymphoma. From that time forward I have been undergoing chemotherapy treatment. After six months of induction (high dose) chemo I began a two year maintenance regimen that ends today, December 8, 2014.
I will have some tests here in the near future that will hopefully confirm me as being officially cancer free. I'll update you when I get those results. I am optimistic as every test I've had since I began treatment has been a good one.
I want to share a little bit of the psychological experience I've had during the final months of this long maintenance period of my treatment. This has been as challenging for me as the earlier chemo, but in different ways. I am physically healthier in general now. I can do most of the things that I want or need to do in my daily life. The challenge has not been so much a physical one, but a mental one. Slowly, gradually my strength and resolve have dwindled. Undoubtedly I could take more, but I don't really know how much more.
Thankfully that isn't a question. I am finally finished. The thing that has surprised me most is how trapped I have felt by this process. That feeling has extended to every area of my life causing me to want to escape all of it. I think it's probably an instincual reaction to a prolonged experience of something unpleasant - to want to run away from it. But I have stuck through it.
My biggest ancitipcation in completing treatment is a return to me. And the process of discovering who and what that is now. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. The final few months of this time have felt like the last mile of a marathon (or so I imagine). But I have made it through and now I can finally repair and move on. I am free.
I am incredibly fortunate. Other, more worthy people have not survived what I've just gone through. For me this has served to solidify my concept of life as an opportunity. A constant opportunity to experience...anything, and everything. Whatever you want. It's an amazing concept, I think. Take advantage of it. Choose to follow your passions, to experience the things that will bring you fulfillment. Make your way through life in a way that makes you happy to be alive. If you find yourself in a dark place, first embrace it. That's an experience too, and it has as much value as any other. And then figure out what you want and head that direction.
Sorry for the cheerleading armchair philosophy. I can't help it. Everything can be gone in a second. Do not waste your time. No experience is a bad one.
I want to thank you all for your support and love throughout. I will not ever be able to express the entirety of the gratitude I feel toward all of you. You have carried me through, given me reason and inspiration to survive. I love you all.
Next week Denise and I will travel to Chile to spend a couple of weeks and the holidays with our good friends Lacy and Felipe. I am extremely excited to see a new place, meet new people, and share new adventures with my wife and our friends. It's a chance to step outside our normal lives, maybe even out of our comfort zones a bit, to celebrate, explore, clear away some of the haze and cobwebs I've accumulated over the past few years. I hear the smog in Santiago is pretty bad, but there's no way it's as dense as the fog has been inside my head.
When we return I am excited to dive right into the next stage of my life. Who knows what new experiences it may bring. I look forward to sharing many of them with you.
Love,
Chris
