Not Missing Out

The other day someone asked me if having survived cancer had influenced me to feel like there were certain things I had to accomplish in my life.  Things that I now felt obligated to do, or that I absolutely didn't want to miss, having gone through what I have.  I've been thinking about this question a lot recently.  In fact, I've been thinking a lot about what is different in my thinking, in my perspective on my life now, compared to before I was diagnosed.  About how I feel on a daily basis, whether it's better or how it's different from before.

One thing that I think is important to communicate about what this feels like is that I don't necessarily think of what I went through as a near-death experience, even though it was.  The overriding feeling for me is more of having gone through something really difficult, both physically and psychologically.  The near-death experience didn't last a long time, and it really was months ago.  The enduring challenge of undergoing chemotherapy is something that lasted a lot longer - something that I am still going through in fact - and so this is definitely the strongest sensation I have of what I've been through.

Getting cancer changed a lot of things for me.  But particularly it changed how I think about myself.  I used to think that there were certain ways that things are, ways things are supposed to be, and ways that I fit into that story.  I thought I knew the answers.  More importantly, I was concerned with the idea of there being answers to know.  Most significantly I used to think that I was special in some way.  Somehow different from other people.  I thought I had a deeper understanding of life than many others, and that this set me apart from them.  This was an isolating way to think of myself.

When I found out I had lymphoma, this idea that I was special dissolved pretty quickly.  I saw through it in a way that I never would have been able to otherwise.  I realized that not only was I not special and different, I was just exactly the same as everyone else.  I think a lot of people in my generation were fed this idea that they are special.  I'm not making a judgement about it.  I understand the motivation and the tendency behind it.  We want to see the world improve.  We want to see progress, evolution.  And so we convince ourselves of it, whether it exists or not.  And actually I'm not even denying the idea of that, not at all.  I tend to believe that we are evolving, as a group, on a large scale, even if it's at a slow pace.  I don't know, I mean, I have only been alive 30 years, and have only seen what I've seen - a very small glimpse of the human experience.  But here's my point:  I'm not special, not any more than anyone else is.  We are all individuals and we all have our uniqueness.  But we are also all basically equal.  And that is wonderful.

The reason I think this is wonderful is that seeing people in this way encourages appreciating them, no matter who they are or what they bring to the table, for just the way they are.  The same concept can be applied to life in general.  Whereas before I may have wanted my life to be or feel a certain way, somehow different than it was, now I am just happy that it is the way it is, and that it is at all.  So to bring this back to the question I was asked, regarding things I want to do or accomplish, my answer is that I do not feel obligated to experience certain things, or to accomplish certain things.  I feel incredibly grateful that I can experience anything.  And I am excited to do anything.  And I am so happy that I can just be here, now, thinking about and talking about my life.

Are there things I want to do?  Absolutely.  I feel freer to explore life than I did before.  I feel like a weight of obligation has been lifted.  The obligation to feel different from others, and to set myself apart from them through my thinking.  I didn't realize I was thinking that way before.  But I'm sure glad that I have been able to see past it.  The biggest difference for me now is simply that I'm happier.  And it has everything to do with this change in perspective.  It feels to me like I was trying to screw a square peg into a round hole but I just couldn't see either one for what they were, and then someone came along and was like, "dude, you're doing it wrong.  Here's a nice cold glass of lemonade."  The point there being that the whole act of screwing the thing into the thing was pointless and didn't even really exist, and so I should just sit back and enjoy myself and not worry about it.

I hope I'm expressing all of this clearly.  It's something that I can feel in a very tangible way, but that I'm not always sure how to explain to someone else.  The main idea I want to convey is that this whole thing hasn't created limits for me, it's removed them.  That's the simplest way I can say it.  I am just happy that I can fully enjoy myself, where I didn't feel I could before.  Because of that, I'm content to spend time with those I care about, doing whatever.  I am no less passionate about doing the things I love.  But I am much more passionate about the people I love, and that includes everyone who has supported me through this.  I'm not afraid of missing out, because now I know what's truly important to me.  And I'm so happy to have my life back I could cry every day.

Back To Work

Today was my first day back to work, and it was a wonderful way to start the new year.  This year feels like a fresh start in a lot of ways.  I have this sensation of being a new person; of new opportunities to experience life in ways I hadn't before.  It's always easy to look back and second guess oneself.  And it's not that I'm doing that exactly.  It's more that I'm happy that I'm not the person I was before, and that I am happy that I am the person I am now.  Chances to go through that kind of transformation don't come along very often.  So again, I'm grateful that all of this has happened and that I have been able to recreate my life from the wreckage.

Life goals that have come out of this experience:
- Be physically active (I need to repair my body!)
- Give to others (so much has been given to me, I want to give back)
- Take time to appreciate it all (a general reminder to myself to take a step back, perspective is everything)

It doesn't have to be complicated.  There are so many ways to enjoy life, and to be engaged in living it.  I will always come back to the feeling I had when I came out of surgery, which is:  if you're worried about it, it's a waste of time/energy.  I'm not sure why it was phrased that way in my mind, but that was the thought that I couldn't get away from.  It was like no problems existed, they had all been wiped away by the severity of my situation.  And I realized that some things are important, but nothing is worth being upset over.  Life is a gift.  It was a feeling of relief and of a kind of elation, which may sound odd.  That's just how I felt at the time.

The experimentation with my maintenance meds is going well.  I've moved to a smaller dose of one of the main medications that I take each week, which hopefully will be a level that I can withstand over the long term.  I will still have monthly shots, which are a little rough, but that just lasts a day or two.  I feel good about it, since it seems that I will be able to handle it without too many disabling side effects.

It's hard to believe that I've come this far when I think back to the most difficult moments during chemotherapy.  For that matter, it's hard to believe that any of it happened at all.  In a way it feels like no time at all has passed.  Sitting at my desk today and seeing everyone again was so nice.  It felt like coming home.  That says a lot about the people I work with; a wonderful group of folks.

So here's to a new year, and to embracing what life throws at us.  I am so happy to be productive again.  My time recovering was wonderful.  But let's get on with things shall we?  Happy new year to you all.

Love,
Chris