It's been a while since my last post, and there are some good reasons for that. I'm done with the intensive induction chemotherapy, as you know, so I've been free to begin returning to my normal life. This has been a wonderful experience, save for a few challenges along the way.
The week of Thanksgiving, a month after my last treatment in the hospital, I began maintenance chemotherapy. This is a process that will last the next couple of years and mostly involves a monthly shot and some oral medication that I take myself. It's comprised of much lower doses of some of the drugs I was receiving before, and one new one that I hadn't had previously. That week that I began the maintenance regimen I started getting really sick. I was throwing up every evening and at night for a couple of days, and couldn't eat much. Then it got worse, and I was throwing up all day and night and couldn't eat at all. Thanksgiving dinner wasn't much of a feast for me this year.
On Friday, after a few days of this awfulness, I called my doctor and I ended up stopping the oral meds I was on for a while. Since then we've been experimenting through trial and error with the doses of the medications, trying to find a level that I can tolerate, that will allow me to function normally. This maintenance chemo, by the way, is supposed to be completely tolerable, and is supposed to allow the patient to function more or less normally, save for a little discomfort or mild side effects. What I experienced was much worse than what I was expecting to say the least.
I'm still working out the levels that I will be able to tolerate. Yesterday I had a blood test and it showed that my white blood counts are very low. This means that even the low doses I've received are too much for my bone marrow. So, this is an ongoing thing that I'm dealing with. But it's still way way better than what it was like before. I can get outside and go hiking and climbing and play with my friends, and it's wonderful.
Last week my buddy Aaron and I took a little road trip down to southern New Mexico and Arizona to see some sights and do some rock climbing. We saw Carlsbad Caverns, which may be the most amazing place I've ever been. The size of the caves and the beautiful formations inside them were astounding to me. My jaw was on the floor the whole time. I'll have some photos to share once I track down my camera's USB cable. Then we did a little climbing near El Paso and then over towards Tucson. We had beautiful weather and it was really nice to get out of town and see some places I'd never been before.
The biggest challenge for me in the past month has been what I would call a readjustment to the reality of my situation. When I finished treatment I felt like I had survived a really intense storm and that the skies would clear and everything would be all right again, I would get "back to normal". Then I started maintenance and had that extremely rough week of being sick and realized that this is very far from over. I have a long way to go with the maintenance treatment. And I'm going through what is proving to be a very difficult process of weening myself off of pain medication. So in a way it's like I've had to reabsorb the reality of things all over again. And that's been hard for me at times. But at the same time there's the perspective that everything I get to experience now is a gift of sorts. I could have died, I came really really close to dying. So all of this may have never been.
I have to tell you, without getting into a lengthy explanation of why, that my life has changed enormously. The way view things, the way I interpret things, even my very core values and beliefs have undergone a significant change. And I'm happier in many ways now than I ever have been. I've been able to reconnect with a lot of people from whom I felt totally cut off before. Those relationships have enriched my life in new ways. I'm filled, absolutely to the brim, with love and gratitude for it. I was talking with my friend last night and the thought we came to was that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I think that's a pretty common experience for people who survive cancer.
I'll write again, sooner this time, to fill you in on the progress with this trial and error maintenance chemo process. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Chris
