I never understood why people were 'fighting' cancer. It seemed like such a violent idea to me. But the truth is, when you have cancer, you have to fight against it. It's a struggle on every level for your life and your health and the well-being and integrity of your body. I'm realizing now how hard it is.
I've lost a lot of weight. I was always thin, but right now I weight 125 pounds. Im 6'2", so I'm basically vastly underweight. So right now, the battle for me is to eat, even though I have no appetite and I'm sick to my stomach all the time. It's really a lot harder psychologically that I would have thought. It's a fight. And this morning I officially declared war against my cancer and am waging this battle for my life.
I guess it's another piece of this whole experience that is becoming clear. When things change so drastically it can take some time to adjust. I've always been pretty adaptable, so I'm well suited to change. That's just how I am. But this is on a scope that no one can be prepared for, nor should they right?
So, join me. Fight with me. Help me to win. I've had a lot of support and encouragement already. Keep it coming, it helps strengthen me in this conflict. I've never had to battle hard for anything. I've always learned easily, adapted easily, sought out those things that I enjoyed that came easily. So this is a big shift in how I approach my life. It's no longer a coast, it's an uphill climb. I'm no longer able to hit cruise control and let the road take me where it may. I have to drive this boat now and I have to drive it against the current. It brings up a lot of fears for me. I've always been afraid of strong currents in the ocean and water and all that. But this is life. It can be scary and it definitely isn't always easy.
I want to live. I want to play and to enjoy and to relax and to be with the people I love. I want it so bad. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to gain weight back, and help my body to beat this bizarre thing that's happening to it. I'm going to fight as hard as I can and I'm going to win.
We're with you! We all are your back-ups, your reinforcements, your fellow warriors that are always at your side. We are that extra oar stroke, that breath of wind in the sail, that reserve of fuel in the tank when the current is strongest.
ReplyDeleteYou are the captain of this boat, and your crew, where-ever they may be, is cheering you on with such intensity and love, the likes of which we have never poured from our collective souls.
If there's anybody that can win this fight, it's you. Decades from now, with the sun on our faces, we'll look back on this and be amazed that we made it through. You have touched the lives of everyone you've met. Now, let us carry you along this path of healing.
Much love. Now go eat some lunch...
Dude, I love you so much
DeleteI know you can do it Chris! I've seen it happen, as you know. Your attitude is amazing and perfect and strong enough to KICK MASS!!!! Much love, hugs and prayers.
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