Top of the mornin' from my hospital bed

I'm nearing the end of the second week of the second three-week round of chemotherapy treatments that I'm undergoing.  So I'm about five weeks into this process.  This week has been by far the most challenging yet.  On Monday I had an intrathecal (via lumbar tap) treatment of a particularly strong drug called cytarabine.  Also around this time my blood cell counts started reaching the low point that happens when you get a bunch of chemotherapy.  So on Tuesday I was feeling pretty bad, started developing a fever, and had to check back into the hospital that night.  They gave me fluids and ran some tests, and found that my white blood cell count was zero, which basically means my immune system was on disability leave.  So they admitted me to the hospital and have been keeping an eye on me since then.  I'm taking a course of antibiotics and last night I had a blood transfusion.  And yet again I'm in a nice hospital room with a lovely view and kind nurses and sufficient ice cream.


So, that's the update, the what's going on part.  I haven't really told anyone (aside from my family of course) where I am or made much of an effort to communicate because I've been feeling so sick that I wasn't really capable of communication.  So I apologize to any of you who wanted to see me or tried to see me this week.  I've been off the map and out of commission.  I'm not sure when I'll get to leave the hospital either.  It will have to do with my blood cell counts coming back up to a reasonable level.


It's been an interesting experience though, feeling so incredibly bad.  I've been sleeping a lot, and I've been trying to be medicated a lot.  It's much easier to be out of my head on medication than to be writhing around in pain and discomfort.  So I'm learning some things about my thresholds in that respect and what feels good or bad or like it's too much or not enough.  Not sure I'll ever really figure it out :)  I do keep coming back to the same sort of place in my head though.  And that is, 'this won't last forever'.  It won't.  Nothing does.  So if I'm having a terrible day, or a terrible moment, all I have to do is wait a little while, and it will be different.  I've talked about it before.  But I'm finding that this thought really is very helpful for me when I'm going through something challenging.  I remember doing a long rock climb on a hot day during which my climbing partner and I didn't bring enough water.  And the whole second half of the day while we were suffering from dehydration and terrible thirst, I just kept thinking, just keep going, it won't always be like this.  And sure enough, we reached the top, and sure enough we got to drink a bunch of water when we got there, and in the end it actually made a pretty good story.  


Well, so I'm sitting here in this hospital bed reflecting on the challenges of that hot day of rock climbing, and how miserable we were and what an incredible sense of accomplishment we had when we finally reached the top and had survived such an ordeal.  And I'm thinking that experience pales somewhat in comparison to what I'm going through right now, having cancer and having basically everything in my life change.  And I'm inspired by it.  I have this feeling like what's coming out of this is bigger than anything I could have imagined.  The challenge of it is certainly bigger than anything I could have imagined.  And I know that it's the most important thing I've experienced in my life, and that it will inform the rest of my life in a hugely significant way.  And I actually just want to write about it.  I want to express it in that way because to write about it helps me to reflect on it for myself and gain perspective on it and learn from it in ways I may not otherwise.  So thanks for reading my blog and reflecting it back to me.  It's a healing thing.  And it feeds this sense of community that has developed around this whole experience for me; something I've always desired but never knew how to cultivate.  


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if I can discover the right combination of medications that will allow me to eat some breakfast.  Enjoy this beautiful day.