One year ago yesterday I began the maintenance chemotherapy treatment that I am still undergoing today. This regimen is designed to prevent the cancer that I had from returning, and it is supposed to last two and a half years.
When I started maintenance I had been told all along that it would last for one and a half years. So the news that it would be 2.5 came as quite a shock to me. My doctor tempered this news with the idea that not everyone completes all of the maintenance therapy. Typically there are elements that individuals don't go through with, for whatever reason. For me this has already turned out to be the case. Originally I was prescribed two pills to take on a regular basis, but one of those drugs absolutely did not work for me, so now I don't take that one at all. Still, I was facing 2.5 years of continued chemo, and that prospect was horrifying to me when I first found out.
Today I have completed the first year of maintenance. The remaining time seems long to me still, but it is much less daunting. I've figured out what to expect, how to manage the side effects of the drugs I have to take, and those two things have helped me to cope much better with the process. I definitely have challenges with the treatment. The drugs make me tired, disoriented, foggy. It can be hard to focus at times, and I feel the effects of the pills I take each week. But it is manageable for me now.
One of the hardest things for me has been the concept that I have to put any sort of physical goals on hold. Previous to my diagnosis I was a very focused rock climber, and I had a set of objectives I had identified for myself that I was working to accomplish. I have had to set that kind of thing aside, instead focusing on just making my life work for me day to day. It's a psychological challenge, but then, much of the difficulty with cancer is psychological. It's hard to balance my desire to get in better shape and to work toward physical goals that I have with the need to simply make it through, and with the reality that on a weekly basis I am doing things that actually inhibit my ability to reach any such goals. Mostly it's frustrating, but only in moments. Often I will get back in touch with the feelings of appreciation for any and all experiences that I get to have now, and that perspective is comforting.
That first week of maintenance treatment a year ago was a nightmare. One of the drugs I started taking caused me quite a bit of pain. My doctor had told me that the maintenance would be easy, that I would be able to work and live my day to day life without any real trouble. So when that first week proved to be so difficult I wasn't even sure it was the chemo that was causing me pain. I started taking much higher doses of the pain medication I had been on. I was curled up in a ball in my bed, scared and confused, starting to wonder if I would ever feel better again. When Thanksgiving came around I was so sick that I could barely sit at the table. I remember taking a few bites of food and then heading back to bed. It was definitely one of the worst weeks I had.
But I made it through all of that. And to reflect on how far I've come in the past year is an amazing thing for me. It seems like another lifetime, the memory of feeling so ill and so frail feels like a distant past. I've gotten stronger, I've returned to my life, and I've been able to enjoy so much during this year. Life is indeed a beautiful experience. I believe that without any reservation. Despite the challenges, often because of them, there is so much opportunity to appreciate and enjoy the things we get to do, to see and feel, and share with each other. A year ago I was thankful just to have survived the previous several months, to even be alive. Now I am thankful for that, and for so much more. I'm excited for the next year of my life. Denise and I are planning to get married next fall. There are amazing opportunities for achievement, fulfillment, and fun in my work and play in the next year. I'm filled with joy and appreciation when I think of the support I've received from so many of you out there. It's a group effort, this thing we call life. And we're in that boat together, so thank you for helping me pull the oars this past year.
Before I sign off, I wanted to share with you that I am beginning a process of interviewing people who have survived cancer about their spiritual beliefs and the impact that cancer has had on them. It's a topic I've grown interested in over the past months as I've reflected on my own experiences. My intention is simply to find out whether having cancer has influenced people's perspective on spirituality or not, and to learn the various ways that has developed for each person. I'm not sure yet of the scope of my efforts. But I would like to reach as many people as I can, gather their experiences, and then go from there. So if you or anyone you know has cancer or has lived through cancer and might be interested in sharing their thoughts on this topic with me please reach out to me! I have a list of questions I will be happy to share.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, and to your families and loved ones.
Love,
Chris
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