Floods

Ok, it's been ten weeks since my last update, so I'm way past due.  I've been meaning to write something for a while now, but just haven't made it happen.  The short version, for those of you who don't like delayed gratification, is that all is well with me.  No real cancer-related news in fact, since the last time I wrote.  I'm still plugging away with maintenance chemotherapy.  Still taking pills each week, shot once per month.  Haven't had a scan since spring, so nothing new to report, which of course is a good thing.

I've written a lot about how taking chemotherapy drugs has affected me.  Physically, psychologically, in terms of my mood.  I've talked about this feeling I've had that my life is on hold until I'm finished with chemo.  I think that over the past several weeks I've been struggling a bit with some of those thoughts and feelings.  It's tough for me to think about clearly because I don't have a good perspective on it yet.  I feel like I'm still right in the middle of working through it all.  But the gist is something along the lines of, all this cancer shit is making me feel depressed.

I have pretty significant swings in my mood and in my attitude about my situation.  Some days I feel strong, like I could take on anything.  Other days I feel defeated and tired and I just want to be able to move on to something else.  This is something I've never faced before in my life (another in a long string of 'new' experiences for me related to having cancer); the reality of a prolonged physical and emotional challenge that lasts not just months, but years.

I've noticed as well that all of this can be difficult for me to actually talk about.  I think about it a lot.  I have all of these things flying around in my head.  And I sort of forget that I haven't actually expressed them out loud.  Or I'm not sure what to say about them.  Writing about what I'm feeling has been helping me along the way with all of this.  But now I'm writing less frequently because I'm more engaged with my normal life than I was before, and there are fewer things to report about my situation related to cancer.  So, and I'm thinking through this as I write it, I maybe need to seek out someone to talk to, an impartial third party in this relationship between me and cancer.  I think it would help me a lot.  They have resources through the cancer clinic I go to, so maybe I'll go that route.  If you know anyone who is a fabulous counselor for cancer patients feel free to send me their name.

Anyway, it's a tough thing.  Not knowing what's going to happen.  Not knowing why I feel the way I feel at any given time.  Is it some symptom of returning cancer?  Is my body too weak?  Should I not have eaten that thing, or should I have eaten some other thing than what I ate?  Am I too detached?  Am I too preoccupied with all of this to the point that it's inhibiting my ability to be well?  Why am I sick, yet again?  Am I doing something wrong?  Will I be able to live with myself if the decisions I'm making don't prevent my cancer from coming back?  It can get overwhelming pretty quickly, all of the anxiety.  It's perhaps akin to the amazingly catastrophic flooding we've had over the past week in Colorado (which, by the way, we are entirely safe from.  Though many have lost their homes and continue to endure terrible and drastic challenges.  My heart goes out to them all).  It just comes out of nowhere and there's way too much of it to handle.

I still feel extremely fortunate.  To have survived the past year.  To be able to share continuing good news with you.  Though I am still struggling with the feeling that my life is on hold.  I can't know the outcome yet.  I think the reality that I need to accept is simply that the outcome is not something we get to know ahead of time, ever.  It's just a scary thing in this context I suppose.

On a personal note, I am recently engaged to be married (!) to a lovely woman whom some of you know, Denise.  I asked her the big question in late July during a trip to visit her family in Vermont.  The truth is I'd been wanting to ask her that question for months but I patiently waited for what I felt was the right time - I wanted to be somewhat prepared, you see.  And she said yes to me, thankfully.  So we're aiming for sometime next autumn, a year or so from now, but no formal date or plans to share yet.

Finally, I've had a lot of feedback, very positive for the most part, regarding this journal I've kept.  I just wanted to thank you for following along with me.  It means a lot to me, both to know that my journey is shared, for my sake and for others, and that you are supporting me along the way.  This web page has now had over 10,000 views since I started writing last July.  That's pretty amazing to me.  Thanks again, I really love you.
-Chris