No Cakewalk

I just got home from the hospital where I spent the night getting three units of blood.  I went in yesterday because I had been feeling really weak and tired and had some mild symptoms of infection that my doctor wanted me to get checked out.  So I had some blood tests and they found that I was anemic so the doc ordered a blood transfusion.  Unfortunately everything takes an extremely long time at the hospital so I had to stay overnight.  All this just when I thought I had made it through this stretch without having to go back to the hospital.  Something about this short stay was tough for me to take emotionally.  I really wanted to spend this time at home.  And although I am back home quickly, the day I spent there dragged on for a long time.

When having cancer and having to go through chemotherapy treatments becomes really challenging for me I find myself thinking things like, 'I just want this to be over', or, 'I don't want to do this any more', or, 'I just want my life back'.  It's an overwhelming feeling of helplessness and despair.  I don't spend the majority of my days feeling this way by any means, but there's no question that it comes up.  The same way I have good and bad days physically I have them emotionally as well.

And the thing that makes it even harder is that I don't want to feel that way.  It doesn't feel good.  So I'm feeling bad, and then feeling bad about feeling bad.  Today has been one of those days.  Sitting around the hospital all day just waiting to be sent home, it is pretty easy to feel depressed.  It really helps to be back home.  But I still have the daunting weeks of chemotherapy ahead.  And sometimes, like today, I just want it to be over already!

The way that I feel physically scares me as well.  I have no idea what's going on inside my body.  And I don't like having to take medication to deal with the discomfort.  It's easy to worry about what's happening and what's going to happen.  I suppose I just want to convey to you how challenging this really is.  It's terrifying and depressing and exhausting and painful.

Now, I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  And I can see it, I assure you.  There are plenty of moments in which I feel positive and optimistic, as I've shared.  I don't want to worry anybody or to give the impression that I'm doing badly.  On the whole I am definitely doing really well, considering.  It is good, however, to get these feelings off my chest.  It helps to express them, even in writing.  It helps to know that there are people who I can share these things with who will listen and support me.  And honestly it helps to put these things in front of me and to cry or to just feel sad or whatever comes up.  Because I have a tendency to ignore it when I feel bad.  Who wants to feel bad, after all.  And there's the issue of pride.  I don't want people to think that I'm weak spirited.  I don't want people to fuss over me.  But once I get over the pride and just open up, I realize that it takes courage to do so, and that it really helps when people give me support.  It's a matter of facing fear.  I'm afraid of feeling sick, and of continuing to feel sick.  I'm afraid that it won't end, or that it won't end when I want or expect it to end.  And I'm afraid of how others view me or think of me.  Thankfully facing those fears tends to diminish them, if not to eliminate them altogether.

Thank goodness for this opportunity I have to express myself.  I can't tell you how therapeutic it is for me.  I've always benefitted from being able to work through things 'out loud'.  And hey, I'm one day closer to the end of these treatments.  One day has passed, and I've learned some things, and I've been given the opportunity to experience that day, even if it wasn't all that fun.

Love to you
Chris