Phew

It's a curious thing, the motivation or inclination to express oneself to others through writing. I felt it quite distinctly and regularly during the time that I was in treatment for cancer. But since returning to "normal" life I don't seem to have the same desire very often. I think there's a part of me that just doesn't believe my life is all that interesting. But that's not really the issue, because when I was writing before I was doing it for me, not for the audience. Probably it has to do with experiencing pain and suffering and needing to do something to manage that experience. And since I haven't really been dealing with anything remotely as challenging as chemotherapy I haven't needed to "deal".

I did go through something traumatic though, earlier this year. Around late May I started having trouble with my breath. I couldn't get a full, deep breath without really trying and my breathing in general began to feel labored. Then I started getting light headed when I would bend down and I noticed that I wasn't breathing normally while asleep. These symptoms were very similar to what I experienced prior to being diagnosed with cancer four years ago, so the alarm bells were definitely ringing - I was scared.

I made an appointment to see my primary care doctor and they gave me some breathing tests. I was only able to expel something like 60% of normal lung volume, so something was definitely going on. I got a chest x-ray and it was negative, meaning there wasn't anything wrong showing up on the x-ray. But I was still having these symptoms and I was still very concerned, so I made an appointment with my oncologist.

The cancer doc decided to order a CT scan to be safe. So I had that scan and it also came back negative. She told me, I'm not sure what's going on with you but it's not cancer. So obviously this was the news I wanted to hear. But I still didn't have any answers.

During the time I was going through these tests and waiting for the results my wife Denise was in the final weeks of her pregnancy with our first child. I don't think I can express how upsetting it was to contemplate dealing with a recurrence of cancer during the first days and weeks of our daughter's life. I found out the news, that I didn't have cancer again, just a couple of weeks or so before Amira was born. It was an incredible weight off my shoulders. I truly was worried that I might be dying. It was terrifying.

So, having thought all those dark thoughts about not being able to watch my daughter grow up and what sort of Breaking Bad shit I could pull off so my family would be ok when I was gone, I came out the other side. After Amira was born I waited a few weeks and then I reached out to my doctor again. I was still having breathing issues, not as severely as I had at first, but I knew there was a real problem and I still had no idea what it was. I asked them to refer me to a lung specialist and they had me come in for one more visit before they did that. They confirmed that it wasn't an issue with my heart and then referred me to a pulmonologist.

I'm still waiting to get in to see the pulmonary doc, so I don't have any news beyond that. My suspicion is that my issue is related to allergies and I have been experiencing some sort of allergy induced asthma or something like that. It's odd that I would develop that at this point in my life, but who knows, maybe that's normal, or maybe all the chemo I had has changed my lungs, or who knows what. So, but I'll see someone at the end of the month, and maybe they'll be able to tell me what's going on.

At this point the symptoms have gotten much better, and I don't notice them as frequently. I can still ride my bike and do things outside and basically enjoy myself, so I'm not particularly concerned any longer. But there you have it. This is the reality of being a cancer survivor. Every time I have any weird health issue the rest of my life I'll be scared that it's cancer.

On a much brighter note our daughter is 11 weeks old today. You have to count your baby's age in weeks to give it significance. Saying that she's zero just doesn't have the same impact. And every week truly is significant when they're this age. Watching her grow and change and drool is fascinating and heart-exploding. I keep looking at her wondering who she's going to be. It's going to be fun to find out.