It's been a while since I've written anything so I wanted to check in. See how the rest of you are doing. Things are moving along here for me treatment-wise, life-wise. I have nine months left - not that I'm counting or anything. And then I will be done, or so the expectation goes. And that prospect is a little daunting, a little terrifying, and a whole lot amazing.
As I've explained before, when I was diagnosed my life was wiped away and I was left to re-create it. Maybe not from scratch. But a whole lot that had been there before was suddenly gone. And I've been able to enjoy the opportunity to replace it, perhaps more selectively than the manner in which it was previously formed. But that reconstructive process has always existed within the context of cancer treatment. In other words, I don't yet know who I am without chemotherapy.
To be sure I absolutely cannot wait to find out. I want to know just what my body will feel like, how my mind will function, how my heart will beat, both literally and figuratively, once I am free of chemotherapy. I cannot wait.
But I certainly don't mean to mislead you. I am thoroughly enjoying my time here and now. And the gratitude I feel for the very fact that I am living continues to continue. We just don't know what we have until we have it taken away, a simple fact of experience.
I found out recently that someone else I know has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I hope that their treatment is swifter and easier and more livable than mine has been. And I hope that they can experience the same degree of love and support from those around them that I have had. I wish them health, and I send my love to them.
So, back to you. How is your life? What things have you learned recently that have helped you to navigate your way to enjoying yourself? Lately I've been thinking that the key in life isn't to try to be happy. Happiness is fleeting, or at least isn't a permanent state for anyone. Happiness happens. But so do other emotional states. The key for me, as I've come to think of it, is to enjoy myself. That may sound a bit broad or vague. It helps if you understand what it is that you enjoy. That's the tougher part. But my point is that emotional states will change. Circumstances will change. All things will change. So seeking a particular subset of emotional states while excluding others as unworthy, well that's a futile endeavor. Perhaps even a recipe for unhappiness.
Anyway, enjoy myself, that's my goal.
Are you doing that?
Do you know what you enjoy? Do you find yourself making decisions that prevent you from doing things that you enjoy because you have decided to prioritize other values above enjoyment?
That's entirely up to you. I'm just talking about my own prioritization of things.
We all get to figure that one out for ourselves.
I've been doing some traveling for work recently and it has reignited in me a desire to explore. That's one thing I enjoy, and it can take so many forms. A new experience, that's the key element of exploration.
Here's to spring time. To new things, growing and living things. I hope you enjoy it all.
Love,
Chris
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