Another Round Down

I was pretty worried going into the latest round of chemo that I would have a rough time.  My previous experience was quite difficult and I was afraid I would go through something similar this time.  Well, I made it through the week in the hospital without too much trouble.  I felt really tired and a little bit nauseous, but nothing like what I had experienced before.  And the following week recovering at home went by really slowly but I didn't end up getting sick and having to return to the hospital.  I think the smoother ride this time around can be attributed to me being healthier overall going into it.  I had blood tests on the Monday, Thursday, and the next Monday after finishing the round of chemo.  And while my white blood counts got pretty low, they never hit zero, at least as far as I'm aware.  That's a big change from before, when my counts would be zero for an entire week.  So this time I escaped with no fever, and no return trip to the hospital.

The most significant side effect I experienced was the 'chemo brain'.  General fatigue can have a similar, but less significant effect on your brain functioning.  At least in terms of how it feels.  If I'm really tired I'll be less mentally sharp; we all know what that's like.  With chemotherapy it can feel like there's this fog that has descended on your ability to think.  I have a hard time remembering things or focusing.  I've gotten in the habit of doing crossword puzzles every day, and during the week following treatment I could hardly look at a puzzle.  But as time goes by my head is clearing up.  I still have headaches a lot, but at least I can focus again.

Towards the end of this past week my hair started falling out.  I awoke each morning to progressively more hair on my pillow, until Saturday morning when I decided it was time to buzz my head again.  So Denise cut all my hair off and I shaved off my beard, which had started falling out too.  And now I'm more or less bald again.  I have no idea how long it will take to come back, but I can take comfort in knowing that it eventually will.  I'd say the worst thing about losing my hair is that my head is cold. And the second worst thing is that I don't like how it looks as much as when I have hair.  So many things fall into that category when you have cancer:  It sucks, but it's a hell of a lot better than not being alive.

It was kind of cool to be back at the hospital this time, feeling relatively good.  It was getting to the point before that I dreaded being there because I felt so bad, and I was in less control of my comfort level there than I was at home.  But this time was much easier.  And it was really nice to see some of the people who had taken care of me previously.  I don't know the outcome of this whole thing, but it certainly looks good at this point, and so it was fun to be a cancer patient who seems to be getting better.  Certainly not all of them do.

I've thought a lot about the line between positive thinking and being realistic about my situation.  On the one hand I don't want to pretend that things are somehow different or better than they are.  But on the other hand I don't want to doubt my ability to get better; I want to believe in it, and I want that belief to come true.  It's one of the many psychological challenges of getting cancer.  We have enough fear and doubt about ourselves and our lives in general anyway without being worried about dying all the time!  But I really don't feel like I'm dying, or like I'm going to die any time soon; I really feel pretty good, except for the chemo side effects.  So I just have to go with that and let it provide some comfort.

I have some more chemotherapy coming up during this next month.  I'm going to receive weekly injections for four weeks starting May 14th.  This is the next part of the maintenance regimen I'm on.  I'm not really sure exactly how it will affect me, since I've never had this dosing before.  It won't be nearly as intense as what I've just gone through, supposedly, but it also lasts four weeks, so I'm not sure what the cumulative effect will be.  My doctor seems to think it will be just fine, but who knows what that means.  Each new thing is a complete unknown, which is another of the psychological challenges of dealing with cancer and cancer treatment.  I can't wait until all of this is over, but I've got a ways to go with the maintenance stuff.

For me the best coping mechanism has been to just go out and have fun.  To play outside and see my friends and do things that I enjoy so I'm not thinking about any of this stuff.  It's good to reflect on it from time to time.  But most of the time I don't want it on my mind at all.  It's just a lot easier to deal with that way.  The time will pass and the treatment will be over and I'll get to move on.  And that's what I'm the most excited for now.  Love to all of you
-cd