Reinvention

Every day I think about what I'm going to do, what life will be like when I'm finished with chemotherapy.  In a lot of ways I have a blank canvas to work with.  And so it's fun to consider all the different ways in which I could fill it in.  The life I had before I was diagnosed is effectively gone.  My apartment is gone, my old lifestyle is gone, my old body is gone.  I will need to recreate all of those things for myself.  It's exciting to think about.  And it provides me with a lot of motivation.  It feels both very close and very far away.  Time is crawling by, and is flying by at the same time.

I've had a few opportunities in my life to sort of reinvent myself.  A chance to choose a new place to live, and to make decisions about my lifestyle or the ways in which I will spend my time that can be a little more difficult to make when you're in a routine.  They have always been times of significant change and growth for me.  Because when these fresh starts have been made, they've represented internal change as much as external.  That's definitely the case now.  It's safe to say that being diagnosed with cancer and going through chemotherapy treatment is the most significant and most challenging thing I've ever experienced, by a long shot.  I feel like my entire life was erased, wiped away.  And for a while it was pretty scary, because I wasn't really sure whether I would ever get it back again.  There are still plenty of things up in the air, but I feel really confident that I will get a chance to live a healthy life again soon.  As I move closer to the end of my treatment I can taste the freedom that comes with this opportunity to start fresh again.  And it's delicious.

Imagine if everything you had was taken away, and you could decide what to replace it with.  Some things you would want to keep of course.  And thankfully I have the good fate to be able to keep some of my favorite things in my life.  But really take a moment some time and consider what is pleasing and fulfilling about your day to day existence, and what isn't.  Take a moment to imagine what you might change if you could.  I'm willing to bet that if there is anything you would change, you could probably change it.  Some things we feel stuck with, and we decide to keep or to commit to even though we're not thrilled about them.  But other things are simply there and become sort of invisible.  Things that we really don't like, or wouldn't like if we had a chance to really examine them.  It's not easy to do this, because it's hard to step back out of your self far enough to see these things.  But for me, there were some ways in which I was thinking about my life, and some behaviors that were inspired by that thinking, that I am extremely glad to have lost.  And I know that I will be a happier person for it going forward.

Being sick or unwell is a psychological challenge.  It's a constant battle for me.  I feel up, then I feel down, and when I feel down it can feel like the deepest hole, impossible to climb out of.  But this shining future that I can see sitting on the horizon keeps me going forward.  I know I'll make it there, even when it seems really really far away.  And the moments in which I get a chance to connect with someone, or feel a little bit normal, and the moments in which someone shares something from their heart with me, those things keep me going.  And the encouragement I've received from so many of you.  The words of reinforcement and strength and love that so many of you have shared.  Those things keep me going.  Like I said, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm not sure I could have done it without you.  Thank you, I love you all, and I will definitely see you on the other side.